To help inspire everyone who is currently writing submissions for the Senate Select Committee on Wind Turbines, we thought it would be useful to include an example of some of the other submissions that have been written for the inquiry. Unfortunately this submission is an example of flatulence in the extreme, and so we are neither endorsing the position outlined by The Flat Earth Institute, nor are we recommending that you copy and paste the text from it!

The Flat Earth Institute

Universitarse of Climatastrophas, Uranus, Parallel Dimension, Another Galaxy, 000111

17 March 2015
Select Committee on Wind Turbines
PO Box 6100
Parliament House
Canberra, ACT 2600

To the Senate Select Committee on Wind Turbines,

Dear Esteemed Senators,

We are writing to you on the matter of the current inquisition into wind turbines. Let us introduceth ourselves. We are medieval astronomers from the esteemed Flat Earth Institute of the Universitarse of Climatastrophas (est 1033AD) – Adjunct Professor Greenhausen, Emeritus Emissionraiseth, Chancellor Carbonaceous and Vice Chancellor Volition Coalition.

In this submission we do verily bequeath our great wisdom upon thine Aussie Oi Ois of the Federal Senate echelon. It appears that the esteemed senators are doing their utmost to ensure the safety of the general populace of this great country and civilization from wandering renewable energy heathens. And so we must congratulate the unrepresentatives of the people in the house of review for their efforts.

Although, what we hath to say is not all good tidings, for we must stay the course, so to speaketh. Enemies of the coal gods hath been gathering and spreading lies! The heathen renewable energy advocates refuse to acknowledge such time-honoured truths as:

• “Wind is a finite resource and harnessing it would slow the winds down which would cause the temperature to go up.”*

• Besideth, everybody who subsribeth to global-worming fully knoweth that it is thine wind turbines that trapeth stardust in the Earth’s atmosphere, that causeth the recordeth of unsustainable increases in peoples’ freckles.

• And finaleth, mounting evidence showeth that wind farms could bloweth the Earth off its axis and into a Galilean galaxy which is altogether foreign-owned not to mention indebteth and heliocentric.

As befitteth our nobleness, we feel called upon to delivereth our fulsome expert expertise (as detailedeth above) on the matter of ‘wind turbines’.

We hath done extensive research, which hath included consulting with Victor the Budgie** on what is the future of energy generation in this sunburnt land. Victor’s special talents include the ability to foresee the future, and according to some in the Budgie Research Group, Victor was even able to predict his own death. We shall never know the truth of this, for the poor dear budgerigar is no longer with us.

Although his untimely death was not caused by a wind turbine, our poor budgie was last seen descending towards Hazelwood’s coal-fired incense burner (aka: the altar for budgie sacrifices) for a spoteth of worshipping prior to his long and lonely flight to Canberra. If it was a coal ash overdose, at least we know his life was extinguished quickly. Our fondness for budgies everywhere means that it is amongst the utmostest importance to us that small colourful birds are protected from these satanic energy generating mills.

Oh we forgeteth, where were we! Oh, yes, Victor… Since Victor no longer belongs to the realms of the living, we conducted a seance during the time of the new moon to consult with Victor on the future of energy generation in Australia. We couldn’t quite understandeth all the gibberish Victor speaketh to us that dark night with no moon, but we discerned some audio that sounded verily much like “Toneeey.” And so from one speaker of budgerigar to another we consulted with the tomes of our Prophet for Profits, Prime Minister Tony Abbott.

Unfortunately our esteemed Prime Minister hath left no traces of his thoughts on the perils of wind turbine technology in his book Battlelines. However through the magic of the modern media and information communications technology (for these are not evil, and we hath verily much fun on Twitter warning of the perilous dangers presented by heathen renewable technologies, thus countering the tidal wave of propoganda produced by the latte sipping left-wing Twitterati), it hath been recorded on many integrated circuits that Tony spoketh and that he hath said that coal is both “good for humanity” and that it is the future.

Clearly we agree with the assessment made by the esteemed Prime Minister of this good country and therefore we impeach the unrepresentative senators sitting on the committee for this inquisition on wind turbines to unequivocally and finally put to an end the terrible encroachment of these satanic energy generating windmills forever.

The Institute would like to taketh this opportunity to thank and beseecheth the august Committee and henceforth adopt the Institute’s reasoning on this matter.

Sincerely yours,

Adjunct Professor Greenhausen, Emeritus Emissionraiseth, Chancellor Carbonaceous, and Vice Chancellor Volition Coalition of The Flat Earth Institute, Universitarse of Climatastrophas.

* As proclaimed by a candidate from the UK Independent Party, based on findings made by the Flat Earth Institute

** Don’t believe us about Victor… Look it up, its on Wikipedia (if it’s a good enough reference for Environment Minister then it’s good enough for the Flat Earth Institute): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Budgerigar

This post was written collaboratively by members of climate change theatre group ClimActs. Yes 2 Renewables has put together the following resource for those who would like to make a submission to the Select Committee on Wind Turbines. Submissions are due by 5pm, Monday 23 March, 2015. (NOTE: The Select Committee has extended the deadline to Monday 4 May)